With frequent inquiries from congregational members who were unaware of my whereabouts (for the last four or so years); my response, “I was having a crisis of spiritual confidence…” universally fell flat.
I was, however, always acknowledged with a GREETING, so nice to see you, we’re glad you’re back. Every time this lifted my spirits to another level; I know I WAS missed and they had noticed my absence even after several years.
But I often wondered: Had I said something confusing, unreal or stupid? I figured
most of them had their own experiences of doubt; or perhaps they had never lacked spiritual confidence.
I had ultimately stopped attending several years after joining. I felt that my doubts regarding faith, God, salvation, and doctrinal honesty could not be addressed to or by the congregation; I would need to continue alone in my quest for before returning.
When Carole Elizabeth, in one of her sermons coined the term the “frozen chosen”. I knew immediately that it totally described the traditional Southern Baptist Church in which I was raised.
My doubt and confusion began when I was about 12-13 y/o.
To enable you to follow my long and convoluted spiritual journey, I have divided my story into the following components:
1. HOW IT ALL STARTED: EXPERIENCES AND QUESTIONS
2. YEARS OF INQUIRY: READING SPECULATION AND REFLECTION
3. ATTEMPTING TO RELIEVE MY DISTRESS
4. WHAT I GLEANED: WHAT CAN I KEEP & WHAT WILL I THROW AWAY?
5. MY TAKE AWAY
1. HOW IT ALL STARTED: EXPERIENCES AND QUESTIONS
In my earliest experiences, I came to understand in my earliest memories that: The Word of GOD is infallible. I was a sinner, All sinners Go-To-Hell.
The BIBLE was presented to me as inextricably bound up w/God, the church, worship and its sinners, I was confused mostly by its seemingly impossible events; such as Jesus feeding of many with loaves and fishes, Jonah and the whale, the virgin birth. I did not know what a virgin was but thru SS teachers, I came to know about the angel’s announcement to Mary, and that she was not actually married to Joseph, so he could not have possibly been the father of the baby-to-come.
Bishop John Shelby Spong relates in his book, Re-Claiming the Bible for a Non-Religious World explains the text was crafted from a series of summer workshops and published articles over the course of five years….What he found astounding was that most of the attendees admitted that they did not believe much of what the Bible says,but that they felt pressure to believe what was uttered by the Word of God;that it was all a part of the dogma of their evangelical practice.
EXPERIENCES that have continued to dwell with me from my early exposure to the Baptist doctrine which plagued me throughout much ofmy adult life include: CONFUSION about the Bible, its stories, its contradictions, the miracles, etc. Like Spong’s listeners, I too was afraid to openly admit or discuss frankly with anyone my confusion and serious doubts.
The GOOD things I received from those early experiences included: 1) positive social connections with my peers, several of my best friendships which survive even today. However, one of them is dead, one is a committed agnostic almost atheist, one has just ignored it all, anf one has converted to Catholicism. I loved SS, GA’s & VBS, as they included involved art, happy songs and music, stories, and food.
Generally I was peripheral to the actual practice of faith, but as a teenagers between 13-17 we were encouraged to learn (that is, memorize) large portions of the Bible for which we were generously rewarded.
SOON I realized that to be on safe ground with Jesus I needed TO BE SAVED; if I would only ask for Christ to come into my heart, all shadows would dissipate, my sins forgiven, joy and love would fill my remaining days. FOLLOWED OF COURSE BY BAPTISM by immersion and occasional “re-dedication” of my life to Jesus. What happened however, was not what I was promised, but instead I was filled with an appetite for digging in and looking for answers.
My BIGGEST WORRY during my pre-adolescent age was, “How could a just and loving God condemn and send to Hell for Eternity those people all over the world who had never heard of Jesus?”
My other CONCERN surrounded my fear of everlasting HELL; and that doubt would be my downfall.
2. YEARS OF INQUIRY, READING, SPECULATION AND REFLECTION
I wanted to “understand”. I always looked for somebody else’s reaction/findings; besides being TIME CONSUMING AND BOTHERSOME as it is virtually impossible to get all perspectives on anything. (Even before the INTERNET).
Could I honestly say, I am a CHRISTIAN, with so many doubts and questions?
Where is my FAITH?
BIBLE STUDY—not the traditional type; when our church has shown videos “Living the Question”, and in several other church discussions I learned that the Bible had been studied, and analyzed by many progressive theologians & scholars; this widened my scope of study. Looking at those texts: I read about the mistakes, misrepresentation, and contradictions in the Bible, and how they are recognized and commonly accepted within the seminarian community. As they have been aware of these issues for hundreds of years.
I was DISHEARTENED, why were MOST of the Christian populace not clued in? Why are the mistakes not being clarified and/or corrected? Why such a deceitful secret? I know that this is still a RHETORICAL QUESTION: but my heart was in a debacle b/c of the failure to bring this information forward other than in texts that are not commonly read, much less advertised and brought to the world at large. Must be about POWER. MORE ABOUT THIS LATER
QUESTIONS that could have been answered if only people like myself had the courage to ask or seek. But like most, I was afraid to admit to my apparently comfortable Christian peers, that it didn’t all make sense. After all, the SAME SCRIPTURE keeps showing up everywhere, church bulletins, Bible study groups, as political fodder for control and power; & in the mainstream media, on Christmas cards, etc. Has this been the BIGGEST DECEIT of all time?
AM I THE ONLY PERSON who questions the logic of some of the Biblical stories?. What about historical and cultural context?
So my questions BECAME harder as I acquired UPDATED INFORMATION and I became more determined to get answers.
The discovery of the NAG HAMMADI LIBRARY In Egypt in 1945 was a major & enlightening discovery with over 50 ancient GNOSTIC texts, in varying states of decomposition written in Coptic. Another group of parchments were found in 1896 also in Coptic. Taken to Germany these were almost destroyed by water and WW II. These valuable resources, once in the hands of theologians, linguists and scholars have shed light on early Christian behavior and context for much of our Biblical lore.
WAR/VIOLENCE INJUSTICE towards others seems uncanny for the PRINCE OF PEACE
HOW DOES ONE PRAY to such a majestic, all knowing, and powerful God?
3. HOW I ATTEMPTED TO RELIEVE MY DISTRESS
Always when faced with a question which has attributable facts or a dilemma of the emotional, moral, metaphysical, or ethical, I do what I have always done, READ ABOUT IT! Engaging in my quest and deep in doubt in the mid to late sixties, there were a huge array of books, texts, essays, practices, magazines, about personal spiritual journeys, religions, pagan practices, mythology, etc. Then in the 70s an absolute plethora of answers for a meaningful life bombarded not only bookstores, but the human psyche as well. YIKES! I could not keep up. It became much more difficult to be discriminating
TALKING to others about their beliefs, struggles.
REFLECTING on my journey and its results.
Most notably, my experience at Holladay Park Hospital, S/O 1977, and Mr. F. who had a head injury after an accident on the Goodyear Tire Test Track 1967. Numerous others through my 40 yr nursing career whose souls departed without the ambulance. This is one of those anecdotal, non-scientific experiences that has had a great deal of influence on my doggedly pursing my doubts. Because, “I KNOW THESE EVENTS TO BE TRUE.” I also have within my immediate circle people who are regularly in contact with those in our mutual lives are physically dead.
%EXPLORATION OF OTHER WAYS (trying to keep an open mind)
+Other religions
Including those with Karmic beliefs
+Occult Christian metaphysics
Theosophists
Rosicrucians
Huna Hawaiian healing practices
+Those of 20th C who channeled masters, spirits, oversouls, etc. I read, most notably Jane Roberts and her series of (??? 6) books in the SETH series.
+Experiences of those who assisted their spiritual clarity through use of illicit or illegal DRUGS & NATIVE PLANTS.
+HEALING phenomenon such as crystals & magnets.
+The ASCENDED MASTERS which occurred in the 1930’s at Mt. Shasta and is a phenomenon which is still actively explored.
+EST, Native American ways, Siddha Yoga, and the mystical Islamic sect of Sufi’s, we know as, Whirling Dervishes.
+Mythologhy, philosophy, mind/body experiences, soul-travel, past-life regressions, life-after-death memoirs, even astral travel, alien abductions.
+Also I listened to STORIES, many of the uncanny sort.
Several years after the new millennium, I joined FCUCC. This church family, it has provided a sanctuary, I feel there it is possible to challenge “old” ways and permission to continue development of my DIVINE SELF
4. WHAT I GLEANED/ What can I KEEP & what can I THROW AWAY?
FAITH—Faith comes from the heart,deep within our soul, I focus on keeping faith alive, not allow my self to become distracted or ambivalent, I will continue to confirm for myself, the mystery that is God, ultimately becoming all love. I believe I can also express my FAITH by humble silence, and acceptance of what remains mysterious to me.
LOVE—Love is living our faith, aim to move in an attitude of humble acceptance of God’s LOVE for me, I will place no limit on the changes that can occur as a result of the GIFT OF AWARENESS of GOD”S influence in my life. I am willing my EGO, “Me” to be free and experience God’s lasting LOVE. Egotism is unlovable, and we should love God b/c we are loved by God and that expression of love is a contract with God.
PRAYER—another place where I will look for God, as in the act of PRAYER is too, a gift. I believe that knowledge and understanding of God is always in process and therefore allows progression of faith. Praying means not to give up on prayer even though all we can manage is an offering of love even in my own hesitancy about his love for me. I just have to say, I am not sure of my love for you in absolute humility.
POWER—In my quest for understanding, I found out that competition for things, jobs, promotions, recognition, control, winning, money, or material possession is an ambition for EXTERNAL POWER, regretfully MONEY is the greatest symbol of external power in our society.. This power seeking is what leads to violence; in which human beings are the sacrifices of VIOLENCE & WAR, including oppression, famine, social decline, and cultural destruction.
On the other hand there is AUTHENTIC POWER, which is power given when used to accelerate kindness, love of life, helping others, it gives meaningfulness and satisfaction. Authentic power cannot be purchased, inherited, or hoarded. It is available to all. There are no victims w/the use of external power.
MY TAKE AWAY
After looking into every conceivable corner, probing others, and texts for meaning of a spiritual life and afterlife.
PONDERED the vastness of the more and more infinite universe, considered the offers of others who believe they have the answers;
I HAVE DETERMINED that there is no answer! The innermost recesses of my seemingly insatiable mind will only find ME!
One cannot ponder the unponderable. MY QUEST is losing its steam and meaning , because I have finally amassed sufficient data, opinions and ideas. I am approaching trust and my much sought after FAITH.
I HAVE BEGUN TO CONNECT WITH THE DIVINE IN MYSELF & as much as possible the DIVINE IN OTHERS.
Although I know CURIOSITY AND SKEPTICISM will follow me for the rest of the days of my life.