In this sermon on unconditional love, Pastor Brooks reads a five-point manifesto written by a toddler. Listen to this sermon now.
Second Scripture Reading—John 15: 7-12
This past week I received two startling wake up calls as a parent. The first came when I started reading Alfie Kohn’s book Unconditional Parenting. The book essentially begins with the premise that one of the basic needs of children is to be loved unconditionally. That doesn’t sound like a jarring idea, but what can be more challenging is Kohn’s outline of the many ways parents often fail at unconditional love. Not all parents may like what Kohn has to say in this regard. For example, he is against punishments and that not only includes spankings but also time-outs. Moreover, he is against rewards and that not only includes stickers and stars, but also giving praise. Kohn’s arguments are based on studies that show carrots and sticks may lead to short-term compliance, but they don’t lead to the formation of long-term ethical behavior and moral responsibility. The problem with carrots and sticks is that they rely upon external motivators rather than the fostering of internal changes. As Kohn says, “Good values have to be grown from the inside out.”
As I said, there can be some disagreement over some of Kohn’s arguments. One might contend, for instance, that short-term compliance is sometimes rather practical as some parents might have experienced in getting their children to church this morning. Still, I found that the book provoked some helpful reflection on unconditional love and parenting. It occurred to me that one of the greatest dangers of parenting is to fall into the “my-will-over-yours” game, and as I read Kohn’s book, I became desperately afraid that I might slip even further into that game than I already have. The battle of wills game is the one in which the parent perpetually seeks to enforce his or her will over the child rather than working with the child. For Kohn, it’s this second approach that leads to children thriving and blossoming as “healthy, caring, and responsible people.”
As much as this book was a wake up call for me, it was nothing compared to another wake up call I received this past week. On Wednesday morning, I woke up to discover a manifesto taped to the mirror of our bathroom. In red crayon with lots of stains from cheese oil and spilled milk, this manifesto clearly came from a very articulate toddler. I found it to be such a jolting piece of literature that it spurred me to think even deeper about what it means to parent with unconditional love. The manifesto contains five points that I would like to share with you this morning. While the crude language of this toddler might offend you at first and while you might not agree with everything this toddler has to say, I think you will agree that this is an important voice to be heard as we strive to be a church that is empathetic and caring toward people of all ages. With all-capital letters, the manifesto reads as follows:
1) Hey, Doofus, stop talking and start listening. You may think that being an adult has given you years of fantastical wisdom gained from your own dumb mistakes, but I have got news for you: You have long sense forgotten what it’s like to be a toddler. You seem not to remember how rough a road it is from babyhood to personhood. It’s not a Sunday picnic. If you weren’t so keen on belly aching about your own problems, you might have heard my explanation for why I dumped the crackers on the floor. It was because you hadn’t fed me in three hours, and it was time to eat. Instead, all you could do was go on and on about how I wasn’t following some sacred rule about crackers and floors. Is it any wonder that I started to cry? You may think you’re the center of the universe and all my actions are designed to interfere with your precious desire for a little “peace and quiet,” but some of us have real life issues that you seem to miss entirely because you’re so busy talking about your own special wants, needs, and rules. You’ll never know the source of the problems in this household unless you stop and listen. Sometimes you might even realize that the best thing you can do is be quiet while giving a hug or holding a hand.
2) Hey, Doofus, I am only two and a half. I am human, so I deserve the same respect you would give any human, but I am also a work-in-development. It doesn’t help to have absurdly high expectations of what I can do at this age. You keep blabbing on-and-on about how I failed to keep my promise of not spreading your chapstick all over the living room window. Do I even know what a “promise” is? No! Wait a few years for goodness sake! Can I stay still during an hour-long worship service? No! Get me out of there!
Moreover, think about what I need at this age. I am learning to be free and independent, but I can’t be free and independent if all you do is say, “No, you can’t do this. No, you can’t do that.” Sure, you’re in a hurry to take me to preschool in the morning, but I would like to brush my own teeth sometimes. How else am I supposed to learn? Then, you wonder why I am crying as you jam the toothbrush into my mouth like your scrubbing burnt cheese from a pot. Chill out, will ya!?
3) Hey, Doofus, enough with the control issues. Sure, sure, I am new to this world and you occasionally need to keep me from walking out into the middle of a street during rush hour, but let’s lighten the reigns every now and then. I will never become the responsible adult you dream of me becoming if you never give me some choices. I’ve got a brain, and I need to learn how to use it. That’s not going to happen with you micro-managing everything. Back off, will ya? Instead of being so fixated on being in charge of everything that happens, how about giving me a bit of space to explore and be curious? Moreover, when it comes to the two of us, how about putting the relationship first? Connect with me. Don’t control me. I will probably behave better if we are not always bumping heads. Take some time to make me part of the problem solving and decision making instead of acting like a drill sergeant all the time. Is getting your way with everything more important than our having a happy and healthy relationship in the long-run?
4) Hey, Doofus, there is more to life than being right. Sure, sure, you’ve got college degrees and have read lots of books without pictures, but let’s relax a little bit on the know-it-all attitude. To begin with, you don’t actually know everything. Think of all the times you had no idea I was hungry or tired. Moreover, how many times have you taken me to the doctor when I didn’t need to go and how many times have you then failed to take me to the doctor when I did need to go? You seem to be completely clueless about what is going on with my body.
Second, your know-it-all attitude is more than a little condescending and annoying. It’s not like you never peed on yourself growing up because you forgot to go potty. There’s no need to say, “I told you this would happen” or even worse is to turn one of your brilliant observations into some lame question like, “Do you see what happens if you don’t go potty?” News flash: Toddlers don’t get smarter when you make them feel stupid. In fact, I am more likely to get smarter if you give me a little freedom to get things wrong and not feel bad about it. I know you like to keep toxic substances out of the household so my health and development aren’t affected. Well, let’s be consistent. For toddlers, shame has a warning label, and it reads: Not healthy for kids. Do not expose to developing minds. Exposure may lead to low levels of self-esteem and self-confidence.
5) Hey, Doofus, love is the answer. More specifically, unconditional love is the answer. It certainly doesn’t help matters for you to think that I will behave better by withholding your love and punishing me every time I do the wrong thing. Those moments are often the time when I most need to know that I am still loved. I need to know I can make mistakes and still be worthy of love without having to forever feel guilty.
In general, when it comes to raising a child, a little empathy would go a long ways. Every now and then you might want to remind yourself that growing up is hard work. We kids fall down a lot, and we need someone who is there for us when we need band-aids and support. Most importantly, we need to know that you will be there for us in good times and bad. This is what makes us feel safe and secure in this world. This is what we need to feel so we can grow and thrive. We need to know that someone is always there to comfort us, cheer us, and care for us when we need it. That’s what we need more than anything.
Signed, A Toddler Demanding to be Heard
Well, there you have it. This really shook me up—in a good way, I think. It can be easy to get so wrapped up in my own perspective that I forget to consider the perspectives of others, even the little one who lives in my own house. This manifesto was also a reality check for me as a Christian. It certainly made me realize that love isn’t just some feel-good emotion for when we feel affectionate and tender. Love is an all-weather vehicle. It is for good times and bad. It’s about an ongoing commitment to care for others in tangible, everyday ways. This ongoing commitment doesn’t come with a driver’s manual or any ready-to-use formulas. Love isn’t about following rules. It is about the Spirit in which we live. It’s about seeing, thinking, and questioning with a caring and committed heart day-in and day-out. Maybe that’s why our scripture today speaks of abiding in love. Love is something that we plant roots in.
Theologically, I have even come to realize that this means something for how I think about God. The famous theologian Paul Tillich once described God as “the ground of being.” I have never really known what he meant by that. Something that makes more sense to me is to think of God as the ground of love. To grow, blossom, and flourish, we need our faith to keep us rooted in the love of God. It’s in staying rooted in God’s love that our own love comes closer and closer to the goal of being truly unconditional. Like toddlers, we are all works-in-progress. We are struggling to learn each day, and fortunately, it becomes that much easier to struggle and to learn when we know that we are surrounded by God’s love. This love will never forsake us. It will never leave us alone. It will always be there for us. Amen.