*Homey is a slang word defined as a term of endearment signifying a close relationship characterized by faith and trust.
New Testament Reading-John 2:1-11
Actors and Their Parts:
Rev. Brooks Berndt as Father Brooks
John Hatfield as the Groom
Carolyn Hatfield as the Bride
Irma Slocum, Dorothea Johnson, and June Lasher as the Bridesmaids
John Morse, Wayne Fletcher, and Dwight Chapman as the Groomsmen
Groom: Father Brooks, we don’t want a traditional wedding.
Pastor: Okay.
Groom: Yeah, Carolyn and I are too hip for that. We want a modernized wedding. Can you do that for us?
Pastor: Sure, I am all about being hip. The members of the parish here don’t call me Father. They call me Daddio.
Groom: Right on, Daddio! We’ll see you at the altar in a week!
One week later.
The groomsmen and bridesmaids step to their places. A techno version of “The Bridal Chorus” is played. Carolyn walks down the center of the aisle from the back. She meets John in the center.
Pastor: Now, before we proceed is there anyone here who has an objection to this couple getting married. Speak now or forever hold your peace.
Bridesmaid Irma: Can we sit down now?
Pastor: Yes, yes, all of you can be seated…Any other objections.
Groomsmen Wayne: No, just get on with it Daddio.
Pastor: Okay, okay. Dear homies, we are chillin’ today with our big homey God as we celebrate the joining together of John and Carolyn in this covenant of marriage. As we all know, marriage is the bomb. It’s a bomb dropped by God and blessed by Jesus. And, it should be the bomb for everyone: black or white, gay or straight, young or old.
For shizzle, marriage is not just the bomb it is the bomb-diggity because it’s about faith, trust, and commitment. It’s the bomb-diggity because it’s about giving freely to each other. It’s about being there for your home-nugget despite sickness, trouble, or sorrow.
For shizzle, marriage is the super-dope, bomb-diggity, and it is not to be entered into lightly or without the advice of one’s homies. John and Carolyn, have you received the advice of your homies?
John and Carolyn: Yes, we have.
Pastor: For shizzle. Now my dear homies listen as I read to you from John 2: 1-11. It comes from the Good News Modernized Bible, and it reads:
The wedding party was going strong at three in the morning. Jesus was hanging with his twelve homies, but he lost some cool points for being there with his mom. His mom even came up to him at one point and said that they were all out of Pepsi. Jesus wondered why either of them should care. His big moment was supposed to come later. Still, Jesus’ mom told their hosts to do whatever Jesus said. Jesus then told the hosts to grab six big Gatorade buckets and fill them with water. They filled them to the brim. Jesus than told them to pour out a cup for the chief homies in the crib. When the chief homey drank from the cup, he tasted the best Pepsi ever. He went and found the bridegroom and said, “Everyone serves the fizzy Pepsi early and the flat Winco Cola later, but you have served the fizzy Pepsi last.” This was the first sign that Jesus was one cool homey. All the other homies began to believe in him after that. There ends the scripture reading.
Dear homies, marriage is like a soda pop. Sometimes it can lose its fizz. It can become stale, flat, and cheap. It can become like a Winco cola. Every now and then, you have to re-supply it with some of the good fizzy stuff. Believe me, I know from experience that you need to always have some of the fizzy stuff on tap. If you want your marriage to last forty, fifty, and even sixty-two years, you’ve got to have some of the fizzy stuff.
Now I know some of you are wondering what can possibly keep your Pepsi fizzy for 62 years. Believe me, I know from experience what works. Let me give some advice that I have tailored specifically for the two of you. I will call them the five secrets to keeping the fizz in your marriage:
First, since John once studied meteorology, let me put this one in a language you can understand. Each of you should live as if the other is the sun around which your planet orbits. Send some flowers. Bake some cookies every now and then. Don’t forget birthdays and definitely don’t forget anniversaries. Plan for them with enthusiasm and joy. Make birthdays and anniversaries big celebrations, especially if one of you has to come home from the hospital after a heart attack.
Second, in meteorology, you also know that when two air masses collide, the warmer air mass overrides the colder air mass. When times get rough in your marriage, always strive to be the warmer air mass. Be forgiving. Be gentle. Be kind. Never forget your social graces and the magic words please and thank you. Finally, never go to bed angry. Always give a kiss goodnight when you go to bed. A simple peck on the lips can work wonders for conflict resolution.
Third, Carolyn, I know you like to cook, and one of your specialties is making Leftse for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Now, Leftse is a good Scandinavian flat bread, but sometimes the two of you may need to intentionally add a little yeast to the mix. Get a change of scenery every once and a while, even if it is simply taking a drive to the Ridgefield Wildlife Sanctuary. Everyone now and then you may even want to save up some money and take a really big trip like a five-month excursion to Europe. Rent a car in France, drive all over the place, have picnics on the roadside, and pick up hitchhikers. And, even though you want to be modern hipsters, it’s okay to sing some old German hymns with men wearing lederhosen.
Fourth, as you marry, remember that you are committed to each other in sickness and in health. When it comes to caring for the other, try not to keep score. You never know what will happen. One of you may need to be nursed through cancer, heart failure, polio, acute appendectomy, and a broken left arm.
And, finally, the fifth bit of advice for keeping the fizz in your marriage: treasure companionship. Enjoy quiet evenings at home playing Gin Rummy. Delight in walks along the beach in Lincoln City. Attend church together on a regular basis. If you do all of these things, I can promise you that you will stay married for at least 62 years. And, let all the homies of God say Amen.